Leadership | Nonviolent Communication – Marshall Rosenberg

Hi All,

Today, I want to talk about the book called Nonviolent Communication. I first heard about the book from a yoga instructor in NYC 15 years ago—as he was offering the session to peace and grace at the end, he mentioned the book as a recommendation. I immediately added it to my reading list, but as life would have it, I forgot about it for years. Petra brought it up again during our garden walk last week. Sometimes the universe has to knock twice.

I am not sure about you, but I am terrible at difficult conversations. I also noticed people either go full attack mode or shut down completely. Personally, I've always avoided confrontation when possible as a pacifist, but avoidance doesn't work when you actually need to solve problems and find resolutions.

Here's What Rosenberg Figured Out

He created this four-step framework called OFNR that's honestly genius in its simplicity:

• Observe: State what actually happened, no drama
• Feel: Own your emotions without blaming
• Need: Identify what you actually need (not what they did wrong)
• Request: Ask for something specific and doable

Think of it as debugging human conflict. Most fights aren't about the surface issue—they're about unmet needs underneath and miscommunication. His method helps people connect authentically while resolving disputes peacefully.

The Real Talk Version

Instead of saying "You're always interrupting me" (which immediately puts them on defense), you'd say: "When I get cut off mid-sentence, I feel frustrated because I need to be heard. Would you let me finish my thoughts first?"

Same message, completely different result.

Here's another one that'll hit close to home for anyone managing teams:

• Old way: "You never follow through on anything!"
• New way: "When deadlines get missed, I feel anxious because I need reliability to plan effectively. Could we set up check-in points for milestones?"

And for those strategy sessions where someone shoots down ideas:

• Old way: "That's a terrible idea—it'll never work."
• New way: "When I hear this proposal, I feel concerned because I need to understand the implementation. Help me see how we'd handle the technical challenges?"

See the difference? Same concerns, but now you're problem-solving instead of attacking.

Why Your Current Approach Isn't Working

When you go defensive—"That's not true!" or "You always..."—you literally shut down the other person's prefrontal cortex. Their brain goes into fight-or-flight mode and creative problem-solving becomes impossible.

NVC works because it speaks to universal human needs instead of making people wrong. Nobody can argue with your feelings or needs—they're just facts about your experience.

Why This Actually Matters

This book completely reframed difficult conversations for me—they're not battles to win or situations to escape, they're puzzles to solve. When you stop trying to be right and start trying to understand what everyone actually needs, magic happens.

This isn't touchy-feely stuff. It's strategic communication for high-stakes situations. Whether you're negotiating with investors, managing through organizational changes, or trying to get buy-in for a risky pivot, this framework keeps conversations productive instead of destructive.

The technique is simple to learn but takes real practice to master. But once you get it? Game changer for any relationship—board meetings, family dinners, investor calls, team retrospectives.

If you're leading people, making policy, or just tired of conversations going sideways, this is your playbook for turning conflict into collaboration. What's your take on it?